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As we were studying the menus I saw the hostess staring at us with a puzzled expression, then I realized the waiter jumped the line, so he had given us someone else’s table. As I was turning back to my menu there the waiter was one table over serving the people and smiling at me. The person sitting next to me saw him smiling at me and figured out the same thing I had just moments before. So she tells everyone at the table that they should thank me for getting the table, because the waiter had a crush on me and he keeps staring at her. So of course the two sitting on the other side whip their heads around and see him still looking at me.

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My ex from a fourteen year relationship occasionally worked odd hours, I’d call him at work to ask what he wanted for dinner and to cheer him up a bit. Then, over the course of three months, there would be ad hoc times when I’d call his desk phone but get no answer so I’d call his mobile, initially thinking he had probably finished earlier than anticipated and was on his way home (and to check that he wasn’t keeping me hanging while he went off to the pub without telling me).

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So I’d call his mobile and ask ‘where are you?’. A few times he would indeed ‘be on his way home’ – yet things were off. I’d never told him that I could often tell when he was lying, he had a certain smugness about him when he did it, sometimes he would even have a particular smirk that he would do when he thought I wasn’t looking (and I can ‘hear’ someone’s facial expression when they are on the phone – probably due to many work hours and long distance boyfriends in the past). He would claim that he had just left the office yet there would be dead silence in the background, none of the usual urban sound of cars going by or his footsteps on the pavement etc.

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Or he would be ‘walking to the train station’ but I could here someone in court shoes clearly keeping step beside him for the duration of the call. I began to chat even longer just so I could listen to what was going on around him. I didn’t let on and he grew ever bolder. He started telling me that he was still at his desk. Lol. He worked in an open plan cavernous office yet he was clearly in a small enclosed area when he answered the phone – even in silence the two sound distinctly different. Sometimes he even answered the phone and chatted to me whilst lying on his back.

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I did eventually confront him (there were plenty of other clues too) and I used the fact that I had previously called his desk phone immediately before reaching him on the mobile for the last three months as one of the reasons I believed he was having an affair at work. What I didn’t tell him was the fact that I could also read the background noise so I knew he wasn’t where he claimed to be. Two weeks later he called from work one night to say that he had missed out on getting a pizza delivered to work for dinner (something he never did) and the pizza delivery guy had given up trying to call on his desk phone to get the front door opened – but the phone never rang.

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Then the teasing started, fortunately it was too loud in there for him to hear, but he probably figured it out when I turned bright red from embarrassment. The only saving grace was he wasn’t our waiter even though he did take our order of burgers and fries. We were served by our waiter and as he set down this gigantic burger that I did not order and a huge pile of fries he winked at me as I sat there looking at the monster and he said that my meal was comped. It didn’t take a master mind to figure out who comped it and as I looked up there he was at the next table smiling at me, of course my lunch mates saw him too. They didn’t didn’t even have to tease me, I went red again as soon as I saw him.

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